the day boyfriend and i got a little too close.

This morning, Boyfriend and I took our relationship to the next level.

It wasn’t at all by choice.

There I was, leaning over the sink, sweeping mascara onto my lashes – my last get-ready act before grabbing my lunch and coffee and heading out to my car for the twenty-minute commute to the office. Separating my lashes to the best of their abilities (they’re small and stubbly; there’s not a lot that can be done for them, poor guys), I grabbed a Q-tip for a quick clean-up swipe and then threw it away and my mascara back into my makeup drawer.

Except I didn’t do that.

I somehow mixed up my hands and accidentally put the Q-tip into my makeup drawer and threw my mascara away.

Except it didn’t quite make it into the trash can.

For those of you who haven’t been in my bathroom, the trash can happens to be on the other side of the toilet.

And this morning, the toilet happened to be open.

And this morning, while I was makeuping and Boyfriend was showering, the open toilet happened to be filled with Boyfriend’s pee.

And then, things started happening really quickly.

Me: Oh shit! SHIT!

Boyfriend, peeking out of the shower in a panic as if an intruder were attacking me or I caught my hair on fire with my flat iron: WHAT?!

Me, shocked and taking too long to process words: My mascara.

Boyfriend: What??

Me: My…my…mascara. My MASCARA! I…I threw it into the toilet.

Boyfriend, starting to laugh but stifling it: You what?

Me: My MASCARA! I meant to throw my Q-tip into the trash can but instead I threw my MASCARA and it landed in the TOILET IN YOUR PEE. BECAUSE YOUR PEE IS IN THE TOILET AND NOW MY MASCARA’S IN THERE.

Boyfriend, no longer able to contain his laughter: Ahhhahhahaa go grab some tongs or something.

Me: What?!

Boyfriend: Just fish it out of there with some tongs.

Me: Um, ew? No way! Then the tongs will have YOUR PEE on them!

Boyfriend: It’s sterile! Just do it. You can put them in the dishwasher.

I don’t know if it was my utter disgust at the thought of urine-slathered tongs later touching our food or just my overall repulsion at human urine in general. All I know is that I somehow ceased to form thoughts or think things through, because the next thing I know, I’m fishing my mascara out of Boyfriend’s urine with my fingers.

I touched his pee with my fingers.

It’s truly amazing the amount of times one can wash one’s hands and yet never feel clean.

I may never feel clean again.

Not to mention I’m out $10 on mascara.




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  1. He’s right, though. In the Space Race days, the Soviets experimented with filtering urine to use as drinking water. Now it’s standard procedure on the International Space Station.

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