Remember that time OMGSPOILERS Jon Snow was killed at the end of season five and we all knew he’d come back at the beginning of season six and then, lo and behold, Ol’ Crazy Red Lady came in and rubbed his beautiful abs and he was back in the action?
That’s basically me.
Minus the abs, because carbs.
And minus the whole being male thing.
And rich and famous and all that IRL.
And also how do you sign up for that job? Kit Harington ab rubbing? I’d be in for that. (You really screwed the pooch by dying, Ygritte.)
But besides those minor differences, we’re practically the same. Because remember that time I got married and stopped blogging for a year? I’d apologize, but you probably didn’t even miss me so I won’t waste space typing one (omg Hannah yes we so did // omg you guys quit it).
Anyway, such is hence why (what?) Jon and I are practically the same person, although that would be weird because, again, abs? (His, I mean. Would that be, like, self-attraction? That’s weird. OMGSOMEBODYSTOPME.)
But seriously SO many things have happened since I last graced you with my overly adverbed words. On a personal level, things like:
- Hubz & I both left Tramp Zone
- Hubz started a career in law enforcement, which led him to start working nights, which led me to realize how horribly boring of a life I lead (stay tuned for a post on this topic…probably…if I get around to it)
- I started a new job as a copywriter & marketing person at a local research & marketing agency called Achieve, where I’ve met some of the best people I’ve ever known and CHECKOUTOURNEWBRANDITSSOGREAT
- I put on about 10 pounds and only care about it 45 percent of the time
- I planted a garden but then kind of stopped caring about gardening
- …Yep, that’s about it. See earlier reference about said boring life
And what of my personal challenges, you ask? Over the past year, I’ve made some real advances from those silly things like 30 nails in 90 days and the 30-day hair challenge and p90x and Advocare to things on a much more important scale. Things like:
- Can she really increase her wine intake? (YEP)
- Can she will the garden into weeding itself? (NO/STOPPED CARING)
- How many times in one’s life can one rewatch all Grey’s Anatomy and/or HIMYM episodes? (TBD)
- Will Netflix cancel one’s account for binge watching
stupidawesome shows no one besides that one person actually wants to watch? (NOT YET THANK GOD)
- How many meals a week is it ok to eat only chips? (TBD)
- How bad would it be if she really tried that weird Korean eyebrow tint peel shit she bought off Amazon? (PROBZ PRETTY BAD)
From a pop culture perspective, I now know what Leopold or Giselle or any of those vampires stuck in the tomb in Mystic Falls for 145 years (see above challenge re:
stupid awesome shows on Netflix) felt like when he/she/they all of a sudden ended up, all alone, in a new and freakish place and time and had to adjust quietly so as not to draw attention to him/her/themselves from the not-at-all-understanding general public. How, you ask? (You didn’t ask? Yah, I don’t care.)
- Tropical House became this new genre of music I’m not at all mad about
- If you don’t use gifs or emojis or bitmojis or millennialmojis you should basically lock yourself in a vampire tomb for 145 years
- Flare jeans I guess came back, but praise Jesus the horror of the early 2000s is forever tattooed on my brain and I will NOT go back to that dark time of my life
- People do this thing called contouring? Which is like facepainting yourself as Bambi but then blending it in so it looks like you don’t have makeup on but just better cheekbones? So (I imagine) it’s like you’re wearing a vat of oil that no one can see? And then I feel like the Bambis scoff at the makeup “routines” of the people (not me, ok?) who are really bad at caring about makeup, including those super special people (NOTMEOK?) who carefully honed their makeup skills from Jessica of Sweet Valley High (except I think it was the SVH spinoff book series that was set in junior high? Is that even more embarrassing? That’s embarrassing, right?), who only put on “a sweep of mascara and lip gloss and was out the door”…but actually those people are just really really horrible at doing makeup and want to try something like contouring but that costs money and probz time and it looks hard and they don’t want you to laugh at them ok??? (OMGFINEIT’SMEJUSTSHUTUP)
- Twitter really only exists anymore for snarkily commenting on presidential debates or sharing content at conferences (am I guilty of both? I’m guilty of both.), but I truly appreciate whoever collects the words of Twitter’s last funny souls for Buzzfeed listicals
- SOMEONE VERY SPECIAL OPENED A RESTAURANT IN CHICAGO (for only like 15 days, which is completely rude) MODELED AFTER THE MAX
But really, that’s it. That’s what you missed since I Kelly Clarkson’d*. I mean, I guess technically a few other things happened – things that are so horrible or potentially horrible that you just have to kind of shrug and laugh nervously and hope they never come to fruition, like that angry Oompa Loompa who keeps screaming about wanting it all while we just sit here waiting for the others to come out and send him down the bad egg chute…or things that actually matter, like climate change (…which some people still don’t think exists? What?) and hate crimes and old white men who just can’t seem to get themselves out of our vaginas and terrorism.
But we’ve probably caught up enough for tonight, right?
*Since I’ve been gone? Kelly Clarkson? American Idol? Ryan Seacrest? Seacrest Out? Did you get it? DIDYOUGETIT????