the single wife life.

DISCLAIMER: If you’re reading this and expecting some Eat, Pray, Love situation about my journey to self-improvement and/or self-discovery, then SPOILER ALERT* you’re in for a major disappointment. Apologies?

 

For about a year now, Hubz has worked nights in a law enforcement role. And honestly, he’s so great at what he does.

When we first talked about him doing the whole night shift thing, we knew it would be a bit of a sacrifice. (Actually in all honesty, I had no idea what to expect.)

But I was determined to make the most of my newfound alone time. I had such high ambitions for my own self-improvement that I figured everything would just work itself out.

Basically, I was going to come home from work every night and:

  • work out! Every night! (ABZHEREICOME)
  • and walk the dogs! (PRESTON ISN’T PUDGY HE’S BIG BONED.)
  • and clean the house! (Danny Tanner FTW)
  • and improve the landscaping! (I swear to God we will someday win our neighborhood’s monthly “best yard” distinction. Or at least be nominated. Or at least be maybe considered fora  nomination. FINE I JUST WANT PEOPLE TO STOP LOOKING AT OUR YARD LIKE IT’S THE VINE SCENE FROM JUMANJI OK?)

And hell, let’s shoot for the stars – I’d also write the next NYT best-selling novel and learn a new language, and then I’d rescue a gaggle of puppies and then maybe idk cure cancer and figure out that whole world peace thing?

HOWEVER.

I, instead, have become a loser.

giphy

FINE, I’ve most likely always been a loser.

But now, I’m not just a loser – I’m a loser wife living a (pseudo) single life.

THE GOOD NEWS: I think I’ve really zeroed in on the perfect, perfectly boring after work routine.

On a fairly regular weekday-ly (weekdaily? week-daily? week-day-ly? someonehelp) basis, I pretty much crush it.

Here’s my typical weeknight routine.

  1. Strategically attempt to leave the office before rush hour traffic (rarely succeed)
  2. Maybe catch Hubz on the phone between the gym and work (but probz not)
  3. Possibly get annoyed at interstate traffic; possibly don’t care (see? My life is cRaAaAzZzYyYyyY)
  4. Finally get to neighborhood (why does everyone’s yard look so much better?)
  5. Pull into driveway
  6. Check mail (did someone just remember they forgot my birthday? nope. IRS.)
  7. Throw away mail
  8. Get into house
  9. Put down bag & purse
  10. Take off bra (YAS)
  11. Pour glass of wine (YASSSSS)
  12. Take off shoes
  13. Take off jeans
  14. Put on shorts
  15. Let dogs out of cages
  16. Immediate regret putting on shorts because the dogs’ nails are too long and scratch my legs
  17. Let dogs outside
  18. Turn on Netflix
  19. Yell at dogs for barking at something dumb outside
  20. Try to force dogs into cuddling with me on the couch
  21. Really force my dogs into hugging/cuddling
  22. Remember that stupid article that says dogs get stressed out when you hug them
  23. Get really sad thinking about my dogs being stressed out because of my love
  24. Hug my dogs to take away their stress
  25. **Repeat steps 18-22**
  26. Pour another glass of wine
  27. Cross fingers food has magically appeared in the fridge
  28. Cringe and open the fridge
  29. Get pissed there’s no food in the fridge
  30. Think about going grocery shopping
  31. Feel tired just thinking about going grocery shopping
  32. Feel slightly relieved I couldn’t have gone grocery shopping anyway because pay day isn’t for another week
  33. Despair over the fact that pay day isn’t for another week
  34. Try to act like I’m on Chopped and think up recipes I can make that only require leftovers and canned goods
  35. Realize I hate Chopped and will never think of a recipe that only requies leftovers and canned goods
  36. Feel slightly relieved I couldn’t think of a recipe because I have zero desire to actually execute one
  37. Give up and grab whatever’s in the fridge or pantry that requires the absolute least amount of effort (handful of shredded cheese? spoonful of peanut butter? uncooked pasta?)
  38. Think about doing some work
  39. Tell myself I do enough work at work and need to have “me” time at home
  40. Try to figure out what “me” time actually is
  41. Look at Facebook & Instagram
  42. Wonder how people have lives and do things
  43. Feel sorry for myself that I do nothing
  44. Think I should probably do something
  45. Think about taking dogs for a walk
  46. Feel guilty I haven’t yet taken the dogs for a walk
  47. Ask dogs if they want to go for a walk
  48. (They do)
  49. Calm dogs down enough to get leashes on them
  50. Wrestle dogs past the stupid chihuahua next door that’s never on a leash and chases us down the block
  51. Worry about the day (probz soon) that the stupid chihuahua goads my poor dogs one time too many, resulting in a stupid but now dead chihuahua
  52. Worry about how we’ll get the money to pay the lawsuit for my dog(s) eating the chihuahua
  53. Wonder if people lawyers also defend dogs
  54. Get pissed that my dogs don’t feel the need to poop until they’re LITERALLY FOUR HOUSES AWAY FROM OURS AND WE JUST LEFT OUR YARD AND ARE YOU KIDDING ME I HAVE TO CARRY THESE BAGS FOR THE NEXT HALF HOUR I HATE YOU BOTH
  55. Trip over dog leashes at least five times
  56. Look around to make sure no one saw me trip over leashes
  57. Get back to the house
  58. Attempt to calm down my big dog who is annoyed we didn’t immediately go on another walk again because WHY DO YOU HAVE SO MUCH ENERGY CAN YOU NOT
  59. Let dogs back outside
  60. Yell at dogs to come back inside so they don’t jump the fence and eat the stupid chihuahua
  61. Take a shower so I don’t have to wake up early the next morning
  62. Think about watering the garden
  63. Sit on the couch and will it to rain so I can watch more stupid Netflix and not have to feel guilty about not wanting to water the garden
  64. Feel guilty for not watering the garden
  65. Water the garden
  66. Get pissed the garden isn’t growing fast enough
  67. Think about all the other gardeners I know whose gardens are doing so much better than mine
  68. Feel guilty for not weeding the garden
  69. Resolve to be a better gardener
  70. Don’t weed the garden
  71. Tell myself I’m just not meant to be a gardener
  72. Forget about the garden and watch more Netflix
  73. Pour another glass of wine
  74. Desperately search the pantry for crackers or something but give up because someone hasn’t gone grocery shopping IT’S ME OKAY I DIDN’T GO GROCERY SHOPPING
  75. Think about ordering pizza but realize it’s a lot of effort because I’d have to figure out the pizza place I want and then I’d either feel guilty for paying extra for delivery or for putting the dogs in their cages so I could go pick it up, and I know the pups just want to hang out with me, and I’d also have to open my purse to get to my wallet to get to my debit card and then type in the numbers because I don’t have my new card number memorized and if I did delivery the dogs would bark again at the delivery guy AND OMG IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE CONVENIENT
  76. Watch more Netflix
  77. Think about going to bed but tell myself I’ll watch just one more episode
  78. Watch three more episodes
  79. Let the dogs out
  80. Wash face
  81. Brush teeth
  82. Take out contacts
  83. Lay in bed
  84. Watch more Netflix
  85. Text Hubz
  86. Know I probz won’t get a response to my text until the middle of the night when he gets a break
  87. Sleep

 

lawyer-corgi

hahaha puppy punz.

 

 

 

 

*Can you spoiler alert within a disclaimer? Can you footnote a spoiler alert within a disclaimer? CAN YOU TRIPLE STAMP A DOUBLE STAMP??

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: